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Oct. 12th, 2009

you know you got it, girl.

Monday, October 12, 2009,

i can't BELIEVE what's crawling behind me. I turn around, and there's always something falling at my feet, something that i never thought would crumble. it's making everything I've ever believed in, deceive me!

Now, Now, we've come too far, just to let go. I get tired of the small petty things that seem to piss me off, very often, and I don't understand why. I'm a mellow person, I don't let things get to me, But YOU, you my dear, have found everysingle one of my buttons, and always seem to push them at the exact wrong time, how do I handle this atrocity? Well, me, I always try to find the easy way out, so I don't, and therefor, usually end up ruining everything I've worked so hard for.

I hate not feeling 100% secure, well, i wouldn't exactly know how that feels, but I've gotten pretty damn close to it, and i hate not being at that peak, every minute, and every hour, of every day. [..even on leap year]. Yeah, you'd think this life would make me stronger, but all i'm doing is running scared.

I've come to realize that everything I talk to someone about, has the word, I, Me, Or myself in it. When in the world did I turn into a person that talks about themselves all the time? I've grown into this annoying, whatever you wanna call me, and I hate it. I don't mean to, But it just happens, It's kinda sad, when you write about YOU annoying YOURSELF.

You know, I love
PostSecret, So much. Even the most depressing of postcards make me happy. Recently, I read PostSecret, 12 am, Sunday morning, and a majority of the time, my boyfriends at my house, and it seems so perfect, reading PostSecret, and knowing he's around. Every week, I find a new post, not in my handwriting, and i find it SO invigorating. it's just heartwarming to know, I'm not the only on in this screwed up world thinking the same thing.

So this year, I've fallen in love, fallen out of love, regretted it, hated myself, and at this point, fallen back in love. but with a person who seems to be almost a polar opposite of my tastes 6 months ago. But this takes the distress from all of our lives, and just proves my point thus further, my tastes never take a break from changing.
because those days are gone, and i can't keep holding on to what i thought used to be SO PERFECT, at every angle, because no matter how bad i want to believe it, nothing ever stays the same, and nothing lasts forever, so the only thing a person can do, is let go.

we all have to learn to
let go.

a taste of perfection,

Sunday, June 28, 2009,

I don't know why or how, But you've changed me, I've grown ten years from the last time I saw you.

I'm so awkward, I've come to realize that, I'll like someone one minute, and then the next I won't want them to even brush against my shoulder. So obviously when someone comes around, where that doesn't happen, I want them to be mine, but I always seem to go after the ones I know I can never fully have. Which in return, makes me feel like I'm not good enough. My shallowness ruins everything for me. I wish I had more courage in certain areas, I feel pretty at times, But not when I compare myself to all the other girls who are so much prettier. I don't even compare, and I don't think I ever will.

I feel like a horrible person when I'm interested in someone I know I shouldn't be. I'm changing, fast, and I'm not sure if I like who I'm turning into. I can't ever make up my mind, everyone I love is just going to end up leaving me in the end, They won't be able to handle my changes if I hardly can't myself.

Now in the end, no lessons are learned, besides the fact, that I know I'll never be satisfied. I'll never be completely satisfied with who I end up with, I'll always think that maybe, just maybe I'm missing out on someone else, who could be ten times better. I do too many things in the spur of the moment, I don't usually end up regretting anything, But my memories are frowned upon, I know I can do better than this. I guess I just think life is too short to keep it in the box for too long. I should enjoy my life right? I'm young, and even if I do stay in a relationship for a long time, and we end up breaking up, WHAT DID I MISS OUT ON? I could have missed out on many opportunities, some that may only come once in a lifetime.

Which, turns me into what I am now.
Indecisive, and changing.

Are you ready for this?

live like you were dying,

Tuesday, June 16, 2009,

He was a husband, a father, a brother, and he's someone missed.

we never got along, we but heads every chance we got to. He was a provider, and a strong man. He may not have lived the perfect life, the golden one, you know, the kind you see in the movies, or read in books. But I'm pretty sure he was happy. He screwed up, many times, he lost the best woman he could ever have, and i know he regretted it.

When he got sick, it's like a different light was shining upon him, even IF he still had a sense of bitterness towards her. I saw him in a way I hadn't ever before. I always saw him and thought, he would be the one to protect me if something were to happen... But when I looked at him, I knew he couldn't. I took a good hard look at him and said, I know he's going where he wants to be. He just wanted to be with his dad, and now he has had his chance.

After he passed, it wasn't a shock, we all knew it was going to happen, in a way it was a relief, from being in pain, and suffering. I don't remember much about him, we never did too much together, but i'll always remember, he loved to drink, it was i guess you could say, his passion. It took control of him, and he couldn't fight it. I don't think he wanted to, I think it made him feel alive, but came to know it only did the exact opposite.

Now I was never raised to be a completely christian girl, never was forced to go to church, or to study a religion, But when he was gone, I prayed and prayed and prayed for my mother to be okay. I know it hurts her, no matter how hard she tries to hide it, i'm her daughter, and i know she's hurt, bad. She's the strongest person i've ever met, and i know i'm young, but she just has a sense about her, i know she can over come any obsticals that come in her way. I look up to her, she's got more strenght than I can ever even hope to have.

Every day that passes, I think I'm starting to forget, forget all of the mean things you did/said. i thought you were so mean, i didn't think you would try, i know i was scared. I'm starting to realize you're gone, and I'm starting to only see the good things you did, even though there was very few, and i was very young so i didn't realize.

But I think what I miss most, is the father/daughter relationship we could have had.

Rest In Peace Daddy.
you're missed everyday.

be my sprout.

Monday, June 15, 2009,

i never liked to admit it, but i loved when you ignored me, it made me feel, in a sense, that at least i was worth something.

I like seeing you, even if it's just a glance, I like looking at you, and thinking, maybe we could still be friends. This moment, i knew i could be someone better. I could let everything that i hate out of myself, and start new. I want to let go, but honestly, I'm a packrat for memories. I don't like to let people walk out of my life. I have to walk out of theirs or i don't feel a sense of accomplishment. want want want, i'm always wanting something, i'm always waiting for something, and i'm always needing something. i tire myself out with my insecurities, and i get bored with myself. i say stupid things, just so i can hear the reaction of different people.

I want to feel uncontrollably attached to someone. But I know once I do, they'll leave. It's only natural. I know I only want what I can't have. And so will they. But if I ever let myself get past that, I know I'll be happy as ever, I'll try my best to satisfy.

I AM SURROUNDED, by what? nothing. That's the problem, I'm surrounded, I'm full of people, I can see them, I know they're there. But they're there for others, The only one I have to turn to is myself. I remember the feelings, I remember the days when EVERYTHING was perfect in my eyes, I grow a little older to realize, the only reason everything was perfect, is because I was blind.

I've bought the strongest pair of glasses I could find, and for some ungodly reason, I can't take them off..

you pollute me,

Saturday, May 2, 2009,

I don't know what I want.

and I don't think I'll ever know. I used to be so happy by the littlest things, but now, it takes to much more to make me smile. I believe that reality has smacked me. completely hit me, harder than ever.

I want to be that one person you think you can turn to for anything, without me judging, or second guessing, but I don't even think I can be that person. I've got so many flaws, and there isn't a concealer anywhere on the face of this earth that can hide it. no matter how hard i try, something always slips out. I get attached too easily, and I tend to change my mind often, but somehow, i haven't strayed everyone off yet. i'm full of insecurities, but they keep me busy. i'm curious, it's a good thing at times, but sometimes, i find things i wasn't ready for.

My hopes are so high, that the slightest sweet, tender look from you, would make my knees weak. I want to be able to let go, i want to have the feeling that everything is fresh and new, kinda like the smell of a new car, new beginnings perhaps? maybe. i don't even know. But what i do know, is that it's new. and that's what life strives for. something new, we get tired of having the same thing everyday, maybe that's why we cheat, or we lie, to bring something other than the ordinary into our lives, but maybe, the ordinary is what keeps us striving, if things stay the same, there isn't a chance of getting hurt, or forgotten, so why would we want to change anything? it all seems so perfect. because, well,

honestly, it's because we're human.

and he leaves too soon,

Tuesday, April 7, 2009,

he says, 'what is wrong?',
and i say well, 'nothing, i must be fine because my hearts still beating.'

and sometimes, i feel like the worlds falling around me, not in a sense that I'm loosing it, but as in a way, that maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. things seem so out of context, in this strange, unwelcoming, happy place. but i feel at home, in the most awkward way. i like when people are shocked by things i do, i like to feel the passion of change hit me abruptly in the back when i'm not paying attention. I like to be told to do something, only to have the ability to say no. I like being able to do what I want, but some of the things I want to do, aren't what I know I should. I like having the feeling that I'm alive... alive in the sense of, I'm awake, and knowing whats going on around me, but most of the time, I'm cluless, breathing? quite, enjoying? to an extent. well yeah, where i'm laying, i don't make a sound, i know they're watching, all this commotion keeps me inevitbly sound asleep. crazily enough, i'm aware. aware that i need to make room for change, aware that nothign ever stays the same, and i'm aware that everything i love won't be for me in the end. But i've got this figured out,

everything will come to me if i dream long enough.

life is only complicated if you think you understand it.

i wanna hold you baby, right or wrong,

Saturday, March 14, 2009,

I've been here many times before, but not as big of a rush as now. I'm young, i know this, but you have this effect one me I can't seem to get my mind off of. I'm never vulnerable, but you've taken every ounce of strength from me, & I'm all yours. I haven't been too true to myself lately, but I know what I want, & what I need, well that's a different story. I don't believe in forever, because every time i do, it vanishes. But one things for sure, I can't think of anyone else I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you, and that's an accomplishment, I've crawled out of this hole i was stuck in for too long. I change my mind quite often, and usually stray, but you've kept my focus completely on you, I've got every reason in the world to loose my mind, but I've already lost my heart. I've been searching, for that one thing to give me that extra push, & I'm pretty sure I've found it. every time i get into something, the something gets away from me. & every time I'm faithful, i turn around and realize i have no reason to be, but... for some reason, this time, i don't even feel a want to anyone else besides you. I can usually think of a thousand things to turn my judgment the wrong direction, but this time, i can't. You've got this hold on me and I'm going to enjoy everysinglesecond of it. You don't seem to have too much confidence in my feelings for you, but I can promise, they're as true as I make them out to be. Now I feel i'm rambling and going on & on, but I couldn't care less. I am restless, & I keep trembling, into a feeling that's overwhelming me.

I've got ahold of this feeling, and i'm pretty sure, you'd be one of the luckiest alive to have it too.

it's always just me,

Sunday, March 22, 2009,

i want to be back where i was when i fell in love,
not with a person, but with life.

nothings anything what it used to be. i close my eyes, just to open them once more, and forget where i am. i miss being able to pass by unnoticed, i miss being able to say what i please without judgment, i miss being able to be who i want to be. i miss being able to curse under my breath without the urge to want to say it out loud. I used to think i had so many to lean on to, but really, honestly, i have a very rare few. don't come up to me saying you just want a good friend, cause quite frankly, i don't know where you have been.

I once had a someone that asked me where i have been all their life, and i responded in reacting, saying, looking for you, which shows how eager I used to be, eager for someone to want me, to love me, and to need me. Those simple, quiet, naive days, is what i live for. now, everything takes thought, takes time, wastes time, and for some reason, doesn't make time. i don't wanna do it alone, I'm begging you, don't make me do this alone. Life doesn't involve romance in everyother sentence, but sometimes, it's the only thing that's available. You make your own problems when love gets involved, sometimes it's unavoidable, but that's all on your part.

Sure, you could be reading this thinking 'this girl's a freaking idiot', or you could be reading this and thinking 'she's lived a lot more than i have'. I only live by what I've learned, what I've stressed over, and what I've loved... loved.. love...lov...lo...l..... What's wrong with this sentence? everything dissapears, including love. Once you've loved, you've lived. And don't think you can only love once, you love by how YOU feel you do, not by someone else's standards.

I wish life were easier, but then again, if it was, I'd be a champion.

the kids don't like it,

Friday, March 20, 2009,

and I'm tired.
I'm too confused & annoyed with myself. I'm uncomfortable & i complain too much. i take it all to hell. hold your own, who's the liar? I'm the coward. I'm loosing my mind, slowly day by day, and it's hard to keep track of who I'm trying to avoid, and who I'm supposed to accept. I'm trapped between too many faces, some that lie, some that drawl me in. I'm easily amused, not easily abused. I get attached too easily, and I get hurt too often. I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray. I'm don't with being stranded with this person I'm turning into. I don't like how things are turning out to be, I'm not how i see myself, & i need to change. i love what I've reeled in with who i am, but not the person i am in general. i don't feel.... 'well' anymore, i guess you could say.

Listen well, life keeps you going, the bumps, and smooth spots make everything a challenge.

I'm unhappy in my day clothes, i like being alone sometimes, it gives me a sense of serenity i don't feel too often. i like to lay down in my bed with my pillows and blanket and just breath, i feel safe. and to think of it, i feel safe in his arms. like he's got this special way about him that makes everything go at it's perfect pace. so go ahead, think I'm crazy, I'm not trying to impress you anyways. I try not to think too much about what exactly I'm supposed to be doing, because I know if I do, I'm going to screw up. I make too many mistakes to count, and I don't seem to ever find the right words to say, but I mean well.
I like to be held close, to know I'm wanted in the worst possible way. Because the worse it gets, the more the want becomes. I like to play hard to get, It makes me more wanted. I like attention... to an extent. I'm friendly, but not inviting. But best of all...

I'm surrounded, but the second I turn around, I'm alone again.

the end, there's no end,

Tuesday, March 17, 2009,

I'm lively, but quite frankly, i get tired of it. I have tons of people that could surround me telling me everything is going to be okay when i need it, really though, i wouldn't believe a word any of them said. I never thought I could be put in between, I've always been head up first. But to be honest, i hate being proven wrong, & i hate knowing I'm wrong, but continuing to think I'm right. I have a short patience, and i hate when my mind changes so much, i try my hardest to keep everything sane in my head, but i can't ever make the right choices. I'm done with seeming so innocent to the naked eye, and making everyone a fool. I wish I could reveal everything I need to say, right this moment, but I don't' think I'm ready to watch everything I love crash and burn right in front of me. I hold my tongue too often, and I may be a bit too nice, and I MIGHT, not know how to deny your affection nicely, but I am only human, and can only accomplish so much. I guess all I have to do, is take everything day by day... who am i kidding, all i have to do? it's everything.

I'm always waiting, for what? oh i don't know, maybe one day I will though.

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